Letters to the Wind

Seasonal Pause

2011-12-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. Christmas has come and gone, and the year is slowly but surely coming to an end.

Putting everything in the scales, I think the year mostly evened out. People dear to me lost people dear to them. Of my own choosing I detached myself from a few people. I left my job and haven't been able to land a steady one again. Again, I didn't finish the novel that's been eating away at me for a couple of years now (if not more).

On the up side, I figured what I want to major in once I'm done with my bachelor's degree; it'll entail studying abroad, but that's something I'm prepared to fight and work for. I severed ties with someone who weighed me down incredibly; I'd done this several times in the past, but now I know why it can't work out. Seems like the door will be closed on both ends this time, which I am grateful for.

My relationship with my family seems to be running smoother than before and I hope it will continue to be so. My extended family has suffered some blows, but it hasn't affected those I actually care about, so it's fine by me.

Next year's gearing up to be tough in many fronts, but I think that, unlike previous years, I am better prepared for it.

To those who I distanced myself from, even if we're no longer in touch, there's no denying everyone contributed to getting me through one hoop or another. Perhaps our paths will meet further down the road; if so, I will be more than happy to hug you and buy you a cup of tea or coffee to catch up.

To the new people in my life, I hope we'll get to know each other better as time goes by and that we'll help each other grow and learn and prosper.

And to those of you who stuck with me all year long and continue to walk by my side, thank you. I love you all and wish you the very best.

To everyone, I apologize if my words or actions (or lack thereof) at any point caused you grief or sorrow - it was never my intent, I trust you know.

Have a lovely rest of the holiday season. See you around.

Love,

Ale Meza-Santiago

Sayonara

2011-12-10T11:31:00.001-08:00

Sayonara

(Gackt)

sayonara... aishita taisetsu na hito

koboreta namida ga yuki ni kawaru

sayonara... naiteta kinou made no boku

shizuka ni me o tojite

sayonara... My beloved, precious person

Spilled tears change into snow

sayonara... Myself who was crying until yesterday

Quietly close your eyes

sarigenaku kata o yosete

madobe ni motareta

sukoshi tereta shigusa de

boku wa waratteita

karuku hoho ni kisu o shite

aruiteyuku kimi o

zutto miteta

You casually brushed me aside

And leaned against the window

Acting a little bit shy

I was laughing

I lightly kissed your cheek

And always watched you

As you walked away

sayonara... aishita taisetsu na hito

koboreta namida ga yuki ni kawaru

sayonara... naiteta kinou made no boku

shizuka ni me o tojite...

sayonara... My beloved, precious person

Spilled tears change into snow

sayonara... Myself who was crying until yesterday

Quietly close your eyes...

chiisame no teeburu de

futari dake no yume o...

mienai mirai sae mo

kowaku wa nakatta

hajimete no arubamu ni

ureshisou na kimi o sotto miteta

At a little table

It was just our dreams...

We weren't afraid of anything,

Not even the unseen future

I softly looked at you in the first album

You looked so happy

sayonara... aishita taisetsu na hito

kimi e no omoi dake wa kitto nokoru

sayonara... naiteta kinou made no boku

shizuka na yoru da ne

sayonara... My beloved, precious person

Only my feelings for you will surely remain

sayonara... Myself who was crying until yesterday

It's a quiet night, isn't it

[Romanized and translated into English by Mina-P.]

Breath ~Lyrics~

2011-11-28T10:53:00.001-08:00

Breath

(Breaking Benjamin)

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind

Is it over yet? I can't win

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left

I know that I can find the fire in your eyes

I'm going all the way, get away, please

You take the breath right out of me

You left a hole where my heart should be

You got to fight just to make it through,

'cause I will be the death of you

This will be all over soon

Pour salt into the open wound

Is it over yet? Let me in

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left

I know that I can find the fire in your eyes

I'm going all the way, get away, please

You take the breath right out of me

You left a hole where my heart should be

You got to fight just to make it through,

'cause I will be the death of you

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating

You take the breath right out of me

You left a hole where my heart should be

You got to fight just to make it through,

'cause I will be the death of you

Breath

2011-11-27T17:19:00.001-08:00

Here we go again...

It's like a déjà vu, this anxiety, this pain, this anger. The loneliness that feeds deeply rooted insecurities, the fears that swallow and defy logic and reason. The need to reach out, to make you understand how I feel and why. Pride standing in the way of letting walls down in order to bare my heart and soul and expose myself at my most vulnerable.

If only I could make you understand…

I need you. I don't like it when you disappear for days and weeks on end without a warning. I don't like that I have to jump, yell, flap my arms and even get angry for you to turn around and drop a line. I don't like it that you have time for everyone and everything but me, and I like even less that you claim these absences are all for me, all so you can have time for me.

If only you would need me like I need you…

I'm paranoid. I have abandonment issues. I can't cope with my loved ones being out of my sight for more than a few days at a time. I'm childish and needy. I'm indecisive. I can be mean, I can be so cold it burns. All the same, taking leaps of faith is something I'm apparently good at. But I can't keep on trusting you blindly, I can't have faith in you when it's all the same as before. Especially when, once again, it feels like you got what you wanted and have already lost interest…

I'm not strong enough. Am I also not good enough…?

I used to think so, but not anymore. I think that in spite of how strongly we feel for each other, we just can't be together. I don't hate you - I never have. But you have a way of doing all these little things that irk me and make me angry so quickly. And I'm too impatient and too harsh with you. I like middle grounds but I can never find one with you. You always run so far away… I used to be willing and able to run after you, but I guess I've grown too old for that now.

I don't know what to do…

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left

I know that I can find the fire in your eyes

I'm going all the way, get away, please...

Breath - Breaking Benjamin

Violet Hill

2011-10-28T17:35:00.000-07:00

Violet Hill

(Coldplay)

It was a long and dark December

From the rooftops I remember

There was snow, white snow

Clearly I remember

From the windows they were watching

While we froze down below

When the future's architectured

By a carnival of idiots on show

You'd better lie low

If you love me, won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December

When the banks became cathedrals

And a fox became God

Priests clutched onto bibles

Hollowed out to fit their rifles

And a cross held aloft

Bury me in armour

When I'm dead and hit the ground

A love back home, it unfolds

And if you love me, won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier

Who the captain of some sinking ship

Would stow, far below.

So if you love me, why d'you let me go?

I took my love down to violet hill

There we sat in snow

All that time she was silent still

Said if you love me, won't you let me know?

If you love me, won't you let me know?

Everything's Not Lost

2011-10-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Everything's Not Lost

(Coldplay)

When I'm counting up my demons

Saw there was one for every day

With the good ones on my shoulder,

I drove the other ones away

If you ever feel neglected,

If you think all is lost,

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,

Hoping everything's not lost

When you thought that it was over,

You could feel it all around,

Everybody's out to get you,

Don't you let it drag you down

Cos if you ever feel neglected,

If you think that all is lost,

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah

Hoping everything's not lost

If you ever feel neglected,

If you think all is lost,

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,

Hoping everything's not lost

Singing out,

Everything's not lost

Come on yeah,

Everything's not lost,

Oh oh oh yeah,

And everything's not lost,

Come on yeah,

Oh oh yeah,

Come on yeah,

Oh oh yeah,

Come on yeah,

Everything's not lost

Sing out yeah,

Oh oh yeah,

Come on yeah,

Everything's not lost,

Come on yeah,

Oh oh yeah,

Sing out yeah,

Everything's not lost

To Those Who Are Chased Away

2011-10-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. I also hope that you'll come to understand that, while there's always people around that try to bring us down, it's up to us to see that they're also feeling lost and lonely and attacking others is the only way they've found to alleviate some of their own pain and suffering.

I know how much negativity can affect our moods and decisions, so I understand why you feel you need to step away. Know, however, that anything you do is worthy, great and amazing, simply because you've poured your heart and soul unto it.

Whatever you return with, I'm sure it will be grand.

If you ever feel neglected,

If you think all is lost,

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,

Hoping everything's not lost.

When you thought that it was over,

You could feel it all around,

Everybody's out to get you,

Don't you let it drag you down.

Cos if you ever feel neglected,

If you think that all is lost,

I'll be counting up my demons, yeah.

Hoping everything's not lost

Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay

----

Written in response to an artist's post on Facebook about his profile being shut down because he felt the negativity towards his craft was too much for him to bear.

Dancing for Cancer Research

2011-10-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Geeks Are Sexy is one of my favourite websites - it has news and entertainment, and I always find at least one link worth sharing to Dot-chan and/or my Facebook friends.

Today, this is that link.

I love it for a variety of reasons. First, it's always fun to watch older men and women dancing to songs clearly aimed towards younger audiences, like Taio Cruz's Dynamite. It's really not my cup of tea as far as songs go, but it is quite catchy and upbeat, so I gotta confess I like it.

Second, the video was shot at a cancer research lab, which is really awesome.

Third, it's meant to raise awareness and funds for cancer research. This is the most important part, really. Cancer ails my family, and it's hit closer to home than ever recently, so I jump at the chance of aiding those who strive every single day to find a cure to this hideous disease. I don't have a lot of money, so if by clicking on a video link I can help, at least a little bit, I'm in.

So, go ahead and watch this. Help us raise funds, and have a laugh and a big smile. I know this totally made my day.

NaNoWriMo

2011-09-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

Today I stumbled upon NaNoWriMo's website. I honestly don't remember how, but chances are that Twitter was involved.

I've known about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) for some years now, mainly through people over at deviantART that joined the challenge and posted about it on their journals. The gist of it is to start writing a novel on November 1st and finish it by 11:59:59, November 30. To be declared a winner, the novel must be 50,000 words long, at least.

I'd thought about joining before, but for one reason or another I never got around to it. This year, however, I've signed up and will be taking up the challenge.

Currently, this is what my profile looks like. Nothing can be uploaded 'till November 1st, but I already have the novel's title and the general idea. I've some drafts, too, and a lot of guidelines and quotes to be inserted at specific times during the story-telling. I still have little over a month to do some extra planning, and then we'll see how it goes.

So, wish me luck!

Gardening

2011-09-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of wet earth, freshly watered grass, growing things. I like getting my hands dirty with soil to sow a seed or to relocate a plant. There's few things as satisfying as eating fruits and vegetables grown by yourself, or to drink mint tea made from leaves you just cut from a pot in your garden.

This love for things that grow, as Bilbo Baggins would say, very likely comes from my grandfather on my mother’s side. Having been raised in a ranch in the 1940s, he didn’t finish elementary school in favour of helping his mother run the ranch and support his siblings. Due to his family’s circumstances, he migrated (legally) to the United States and began working there. Amongst the many things he’s done over the years he tells us he was a waiter at fancy hotels, but most of his life he’s worked in the fields, sowing and reaping crops. The last few years he spent in the fields he did so as an overseer, being trusted by his employers to keep an eye on the rest of the workers and help administer some things.

So, through experience, he knows a lot about vegetables, fruits and trees: when and where to plant, how to care for them, when to reap, when to prepare the earth for a new season. The property we live in is full of trees and, more recently, we’ve started a small garden. This was my mother’s idea, and she’s asked my grandfather to help us out. I joined in because I wanted strawberries, but also because, like I said, I like things that grow. I’ve often wondered how is it possible that a tiny seed can grow to be a plant, or a tree. I’m in no way religious, and all my life I’ve favoured science over faith, but… these are the things that make me rethink everything. I never reach any clear-cut conclusions, but that’s alright.

The last couple of years, things that grow have helped my family grow, too. Not in number, but in closeness and wisdom (or so I like to think). Through a series of strange events, my grandfather was left alone for a few months, and mom was forced to take care of him. I say force because she’s never wanted to take care of her parents, their relationship not being the best there is. However, I think she’s beginning to realize that she’s the only person they’ll trust to do it… and she’s the only person she will trust to do it. Whenever she complained about it, I would remind her that, as much as she hates it, that’s the way things go: parents take care of their children for a number of years, and eventually these roles are reversed. One can either take care of their parents themselves, or pass them on to someone else. Since my mother has chosen the first option, complaining seems childish.

So, through gardening and my grandfather’s illness, they’ve become closer. I’ve also gotten to know both my grandparents better, and along with that I’ve gotten some insights into my extended family’s story. It hasn’t made me like them any more, and instead has reinforced my belief that my family is limited to my girlfriend, my parents, my grandparents on my mother’s side, my brothers and those people I’ve adopted as siblings over the years.

It’s a good thing to grow every day, and to help other things grow, as well.

Selfish Friendships

2011-09-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Not many people know it but, beforeenrolling in the Bachelor in English Translation, I used to studyPsychology. I left about halfway in for a variety of reasons, mainlybecause I found out (the hard way) that I am not suited for theclinical aspects of it, namely therapy. I find it hard to detachmyself from other people's feelings and suffering, and it's evenharder for me to find the right things to say, as well as saying itin the right tone and at the right time. It's a very complicateddance, one that I've never mastered and that continues to elude me.

All the same, I've found that at leastone person in each of my circle of friends (yep, they're separated incircles because, for some reason, I can't get them to mix withoutawkwardness ensuing) has a tendency to come to me to unload theirproblems and, more likely than not, pass them on to me. It's not alltheir fault, really; my personality and my inability to say no alwayscombine with their own needs and the result is less than pretty.

My girlfriend's told me many times tomake myself less available – in other words, learn to say no andstand up for myself. I can honestly say that I've tried, but it'sdifficult to shake off such a deeply rooted piece of my personality.

These last couple of weeks have been...interesting... in this regard.

I've a friend I love very much. Thecircumstances under which we met and became friends are very strange;what I can say is that, that which bonds us are mainly pain andmisery. We can have fun when together, but we almost always end uptalking crap about ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, family and randompeople who've wronged us, hurt us or overall annoyed us. There'snothing wrong with that – those who know me well are aware of thefact that I love to complain and whine, so having someone to do itwith that won't be annoyed or offended by it is awesome... unlessthat's all that we do whenever we get together. Sometimes we discussother things, and we always make plans to get together and watchmovies or TV, but those plans never come to be. We'll disappear fromeach other's lives for a while until one of us, usually her, fallsinto a slump and reaches out to the other to vent.

Like I said, she's usually the one thatreaches out to me when she needs to talk about whatever ails her atthe time. On most occasions I'll try to make time to meet with her,even if my girlfriend and my mother question me about why I keepdoing it. My usual response is, she's my friend and she needs me –what kind of friend am I if I leave her hanging?

But then... then she stands me up leftand right. From June to September of this year, I can count at leastfour instances in which I invited her over to my house or the moviesand, for one reason or another, she doesn't show up. And then, she disappears from Facebook without even a heads up... for the second or third time since I've known her. Then there's the blog post that says so little amongst so many words, yet I gather the meaning all too easily. I've been there myself, and I've heard her say the same words on more than one occasion.

I want to saythat I understand, but I don't. I don't understand because I know, to an extent, what's going on. I just don't understand therepetitiveness. We've both been down the same road, we both knowwhere it leads to. I've somehow managed to stay away from it thistime around, but she seems to fall into the rabbit hole with muchmore ease as of late...

What I'm getting at is, I can't bearound for this again. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, since Ihaven't heard from her directly, but that's the truth. I can't be theperson everyone runs to when they have problems, and also be theperson everyone thinks it's okay to cancel plans with because “sheunderstands”. I don't really care if she or anyone else thinks I'm beingselfish – one, because I ambeing selfish, entirely on purpose; two, because it's about time Itake care of myself before others, and it's time the rest of theworld realizes I'm a human being, too: I get tired, I get sad andangry, I need time to be by myself.

So,yes. I'm making myself unavailable. You know I love you and that I've always wanted for you to find happiness. Sadly, for now, I cannot continue to hold your hand while you trudge down that road.

I know you'll find someone tohear you out and bear your burdens as if they were their own. I'mjust not that person anymore.

With sleepy eyes we made our way across

Where friendship’s found friendship is often lost

With valiant wishes of becoming ends

But there will be no such with you my friend

I’m going home, going home

To be where my water meets my stones

I’m going home, going home

The social traveller journeys on his own

Homeward Rolling Soldier - Christian Kjellvander

Again

2011-07-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

Again

(Yui)

We try chasing down ways to further our dream,

but then we trip over people on the narrow path that winds.

It's nothing like wanting to go back to those days.

I'm searching for a sky that doesn't exist anymore.

Don't give me that sad face like I've become the victim,

like you understand.

Tears aren't the end of sin. You carry it heavy on your back forever.

Who is it you're waiting for in this maze of emotion you can't find your way out of?

I want to let it all spill already like I was writing in a blank notebook.

What're you're trying to get away from, this thing we call reality?

We live for each other, or have you forgotten in the middle of the night?

Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore, and we don't have a place to go home to.

What, you don't got enough life left to wipe these feelings out?

Just like old times. this is the kind of pain I love.

It'd be a shame if I didn't apologize, wouldn't it? Ah, so sorry.

Going out of your way not to say it so I don't worry about you.

All we took with us that day, all we'll carry with us tomorrow.

Because we're never gonna get our turn.

Softly closing your eyes like you understand

just so you don't have to see what you don't want to.

Out of all the rumors we don't need, which ones are new today?

Friends standing face to face don't tell lies.

They burn in your body like a heart red with irritation.

Does it really give you hope, this thing we call reality?

We live for each other, can you hear me starting to scream?

Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore, and we don't have a place to go home to.

You're always thanking me for being kind. That's why I want to get stronger.

I'll take on both friends and enemies if it helps me move forward.

I've been thinking on what we do to open the next door.

We can't retrace our steps anymore.The story's already begun.

Open your eyes. Open your eyes.

What, you don't got enough life left to wipe these feelings out?

To try to make right the things you left undone.

Let's go one more time.

We live for each other, can you hear me starting to scream?

Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore, and we don't have a place to go home to.

You're always thanking me for being kind. That's why I want to get stronger.

Just like old times. This is the kind of pain I love.

(Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Opening

Transliterated by Mouaijin / Translated by TwilightStormshi - animelyrics.com)

Not Strong Enough

2011-07-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

"Not Strong Enough"
(feat. Brent Smith of Shinedown)

I'm not strong enough to stay away.
Can't run from you
I just run back to you.
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame,
Say my name, but it's not the same.
You look in my eyes I'm stripped of my pride.
And my soul surrenders and you bring my heart to its knees.

And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
I'm so confused,So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain.
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away

I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do
I would die without you
In your presence my heart knows no shame
I'm not to blame
Cause you bring my heart to its knees

There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this love's done to me

I'm not strong enough, strong enough
I'm not strong enough, strong enough
I'm not strong enough to stay away
I'm not strong enough, strong enough
I'm not strong enough, strong enough
I'm not strong enough to stay away

Artsy updates.

2011-07-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, so after a dry spell of sorts, I've finally added things to my art accounts.

There are 2 new posts at WordPress. They're both writing prompts I got at an online community I joined a few months ago. They're stand-alones and won't have any sort of follow-up, but I thought it would be fun to have them up.

DeviantART has the same stories, plus an entry for a contest, too. I'll only be posting that story at dA because the contest was called there.

My butterfly-showers.deviantart.com also has a new entry. It's a drawing I made for WordPress, mainly, but I think it'll be associated to most of my online accounts now, at least the ones that have something to do with writing.

On other news, I turned 25 last Thursday. I didn't feel any different, so I guess all's good. I only get nostalgic or so if I think of it in terms of a quarter of a century or something like that, otherwise all's good. What I'm looking forward to are my presents, but I'll have to be patient about those. Still, it'll be awesome to have them when they finally arrive.

Other than that, nothing much to say, so I'll be off now.

Have a nice day, all.

Unworthy of a title.

2011-06-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

I miss you.

It's very late at night, as is usually the case when I find myself thinking of you. It's unfair, unnecessary, and very tiresome. Not to mention maddening – I have tried to get over and past you so many times one would think I'd have succeeded by now.

I have a theory of why I can't walk cleanly away. Well, perhaps two theories. The first is the simplest one (and, according to Occam and his razor, the correct one) – you haven't allowed for a clean cut. You always say you'll wait forever, leaving that proverbial chain that binds us together whole enough that I can still feel you pulling and tugging at it from where you are.

The second theory states you're a like a bad habit or a drug. I turn to you whenever I'm down for any reason because, at some point, you were a safe haven. If I had problems I couldn't go with to anyone else I knew, I'd go to you. Alternatively, you would provide enough drama for me to forget about all the rest, which also provided some comfort. Now that you're gone and I'm alone at night... I think about you again.

Writing the novel doesn't help, because I haven't been able to write anything half decent or coherent on it. Crying won't cut it, either – I've done quite a bit of it as of late, and seems like I'm dried up. Friends... they disappear on me (irony, since it's usually I that ends up going away), have bigger problems than my own or they annoy the hell out of me at the moment. My girlfriend has seen me in this state far too many times for me to feel comfortable speaking about you again. So, like I said at some point, I'm shouldering this all by myself.

As usual, I don't want to send this directly to you, so it'll become another lonely entry on a blog no one cares about, and a part of me will stupidly hope you'll read it and do something about it. But you never do, on both accounts. Just as well, though, because maybe I have it wrong this time. Maybe you are past everything now and decided to leave me behind.

If I were the praying-kind, I'd pray for that last bit to hold true. It would mean that, soon, your memory will stop attacking me at my most vulnerable.

Suckage

2011-05-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write about. There are things to say, but I don't want to complain endlessly about how nothing is going the way it should. It would prob'ly help, tho' – better to spew out nonsense than to keep it all bottled inside and risk hitting or screaming at the wrong person at the wrong moment.

The thing that has me stressed out the most is the fund-raiser dinner for my friends' clinic. It's less than a week away, there's still a lot of grey areas, and I'm beginning to feel panicky. It'll probably sound awful, but I wish I could just wash my hand cleans and not bother about it anymore, but it's too late for that, I'm afraid. I do know, tho', this is the first and last time I try to do something this big with such little notice, not to mention without some sort of signed contract from all parties stating I can inflict bodily harm upon them if they don't do what their supposed to do in order for everything to work out okay.

Then there's the whole mess my family situation is at the moment. Between grandpa's illness and mom's depression, it's constant mini-hells breaking loose around here. It doesn't help that I don't have a job, so there's no money for the things I need, much less the things I want. And, of course, my freaking birthday is close by, but I can't ask my parents for the thing(s) I want without a) feeling extremely guilty that I'm putting yet another dent in the family budget and b) that nagging feeling I'll get a no, because we don't have money.

Total suckage.

On top of it all, I haven't been able to write anything decent other than this emo-murderous piece of literature that I'm both proud and unhappy about. Proud because it's something different from my usual stuff and it seems to be good; unhappy because it was spawned from the darkest, coldest corner of my unstable mind, and it feels like someone else took over and wrote it.

At any rate, there's lots of things I've tried to start that tanked even before the first line was finished; there's also things unfinished from months past that I can't get myself to work on. I also want to draw, but even tho' the images are rock-solid in my head, I can't transfer them to paper.

More suckage.

To this, add the fact that Dot-chan hasn't received her anniversary present for some obscure reason, the horrible heat that threatens to make itself known during the next few days, and the constant tiredness and hunger I've felt the last few days, plus having watched Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica, and you have an emotionally distressed Ale-chan ready to call it quits and dive beneath the covers forever.

Have I declared total suckage already?

Suddenly I See

2011-05-27T15:24:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I See

(KT Tunstall)

Her face is a map of the world

Is a map of the world

You can see she's a beautiful girl

She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light

The people who surround her feel the benefit of it

It makes you calm

She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world

Like walking the world

You can hear she's a beautiful girl

She's a beautiful girl

She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white

Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember

What you heard

She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most

And she's looking at me

I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine

Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower

A big strong tower

She got the power to be

The power to give

The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

Why the hell it means so much to me

Born This Way

2011-05-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

Born This Way

(Lady Gaga)

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M

Just put your paws up

'cause you were Born This Way, Baby

My mama told me when I was young

We are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"

She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,

Listen to me when I say"

I'm beautiful in my way

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way

Baby I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way

Baby I was born-

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't be a drag -Just be a queen

Don't be!

Give yourself prudence

And love your friends

Subway kid, rejoice your truth

In the religion of the insecure

I must be my self, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin

Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)

I love my life I love this record and

Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

I'm beautiful in my way

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way

Baby I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way

Baby I was born-

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

Whether you're broke or evergreen

You're black, white, beige, chola descent

You're Lebanese, you're orient

Whether life's disabilities

Left you outcast, bullied, or teased

Rejoice and love yourself today

'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,

lesbian, transgendered life,

I'm on the right track baby,

I was born to survive.

No matter black, white or beige

Chola or orient made,

I'm on the right track baby,

I was born to be brave.

I'm beautiful in my way

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

I was born this way hey!

I'm on the right track baby

I was born this way hey!

I'm on the right track baby

I was born this way hey!

A short notice

2011-05-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

Just writing to let you know I opened - well, started using, rather - my WordPress account:

Letters to the Wind

I will be posting short stories and quick fiction on it, and my journal will remain here at blogger. There's already 2 posts over there, plus the "intro" one.

Have a nice day/evening, all.

PS: This is in case you can't read the stories over at deviantART due to the rating.

It has been a while...

2011-05-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

... and with that single line I've fallen into the horrid stereotype of those bloggers who only write about why they haven't been updating regularly.

Watch me care.

I owe no explanations, but I would like to keep a record of what's been going on since my last post.

Through idiocy, I reached out to Aron again - fate had given me a way out, but I was too stubborn to take it for what it was and I walked into a wondrous 10-day mess. I got into arguments with Dot, which is what hurt the most, and he reached to her, of all people, for help in getting me back into his life, which is what angers me the most. Have I got great taste in men or what? The cherry on top of the hypothetical ice cream cake was our last conversation over MSN - ah, yes, I went there. It was about 2 or 3 hours of knife-throwing and deflection, ending with zero answers and a gazillion more questions than I had originally walked into it with. Careful consideration afterwards made a few things clear, but two stick out: he's not worth a falling out with Dot, and he's immature enough for another effort at a relationship with him to be worthless. So, no need to look for that key I threw away a year ago. It's time to stand up for myself.

So, after that, I felt better. Except things around me sort of started to fall apart, in a matter of speaking. Grandpa's illness returned, bringing along financial setbacks that do not allow me to make solid plans to visit Dot this year. The St. Bernard my mom sort of adopted last November died a few weeks ago after a rather stressful illness. Grandmothers of friends seem to fall ill left and right; cars break down more often than not. Even some of the rosebushes refused to bloom, for crying out loud.

At the same time, some good things have come. Closer bonds with three of my hand-picked siblings, and a warmer relationship with my grandpa and grandma on mom's side. The chance to help the aforementioned siblings start their own psychological clinic. Seeing things I sowed bloom, like spinach, Swiss orchard, strawberries, melons, watermelons, pumpkins, the other rose bushes. Ideas aplenty for stories and writings, craft projects to keep me occupied for a long time to come.

Most of all, though, my 9th anniversary with Dot-chan, and all the time we've been able to spend together, slight arguments not withstanding.

So, yes, I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but that's life for you. I cannot say I'll update more often, 'cause that depends a lot on my mood, but hopefully this won't be like the last time, where I only posted to complain about the jerk in turn.

Shamandalie

2011-04-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

Shamandalie

(Sonata Arctica)

In good old times, remember my friend

Moon was so bright and so close to us, sometimes

We were still blind and deaf, what a bliss?

Painting the world of our own, for our own eyes, now?

"Can we ever have what we had then?

Friendship unbreakable

Love means nothing to me

Without blinking an eye

I'd fade, if so needed,

All those moments with you

If I had you beside me"

One cloudy day we both lost the game?

We drifted so far and away

Nothing is quite as cruel as a child

Sometimes we break the unbreakable, sometimes?

"And we'll never have what we had then

Friendship unbroken

Love means nothing to me

Without blinking an eye

I'd fade, if so needed,

All those moments with you

If I had you beside me now"

I was unable to cope with what you said

Sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind

Child that I was, could not see the reason

Feelings I had were but sham and a lie?

I have never forgotten your smile

Your eyes, oh, Shamandalie

Time went by, many memories died

I'm writing this down to ease my pain

You saw us always clearer than me

How we were never meant to be

Love denied meant the friendship would die

Now I have seen the light

These memories make me cry

"Can I ever have what I had then?

Friendship unbroken

Love means nothing to me

Without blinking an eye

I'd fade, if so needed,

All those moments with you

See the world with my wide open eyes

Friendship got broken

There's no other for me

Like the one of my childhood days

Can you forgive me?

Love got better of me,

On that one day back in old times"

Drones

2011-04-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Drones

(Rise Against)

Deep inside these burning buildings
Voices die to be heard
Years we spent teaching a lesson
We ourselves had never learned

And if strength is born from heartbreak
Then mountains I could move
And if walls could speak I'd pray
That they would tell me what to do

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by
Forget my name and I'll forget it too
Failed attempts at living simple lives, simple lives
Are what keep me coming back to you

No signs of life here, save the embers, the occasional flame,
We'd know the way but can't remember, conception to the grave,
Shout confessions from the greatest heights, where no one can hear,
All my fears, my insecurities are falling like tears

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by
Forget my name and I'll forget it too
Failed attempts at living simple lives, simple lives
Are what keep me coming back to you

The drones all slave away, they're working overtime,
They serve a faceless queen, they never question why
Disciples of a God, that neither lives nor breathes, (I won't come back!)
But we have bills to pay, yeah we have mouths to feed! (I won't come back!)
I won't come back!

And if you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by
Forget my name and I'll forget it too
Failed attempts at living simple lives, simple lives
Are what keep me coming back to you

I'm coming back to you

Blinded No More

2011-04-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Blinded No More
(Sonata Arctica)

Your pretty face seduced me,
Blinded me from how you used me
I walked the long way home,
only to get hurt by you again
The longest glance, oh,
What illusions did I have of you?
A lone reflection splitting in two

You found all seven ways to keep me near,
Near within your reach
You sure knew how to harness love,
But never made me more than want you
I'm not sorry, you will never get more out of me
'Cause I am blinded no more

You sucked out my will to live
You gave me the crown, and killed...
High road would have none to regret
Never left, I took the low road instead

Love is a little death between two little lives,
Nothing more
Now I have myself to live for...

You sucked out my will to live
You gave me the crown, and killed...
High road would have none to regret
Never left, I took the low road instead

Oh, my life out of my hands
I always gave eternal love another chance...
Say the words, I wanna hear... all over again
Consuming love, my only reason...

Nothing is service free,
Such things cannot be healed,
That will do fine for me,
So come here, come, come, come...

And suck out my will to live
You gave me the crown, and killed...
High road would have none to regret
Never left, I took the low road instead

Oh...In the same nightmare again...
Oh...Dark tunnel of love will never end
Oh...Taken for granted again
Oh...Too weak to say it is over, all over

Oh, my life out of my hands
I always gave eternal love another chance...
Say the words, I wanna hear... all over again
Consuming love, my only reason...

We always seem to end up here and break a lance
Ready to give eternal love another chance...
You say the words, I wanna hear... all over again
Lust is my all consuming reason...
Now, take me again...

Lost!

2011-03-26T00:06:00.002-07:00

Lost!

(Coldplay)

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-oh, and I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-oh, and I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-oh, and I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Ooh-oh, and I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-oh, and I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Not Interested

2011-03-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

K walks into the house, leaving her heavy leather coat hanging on a peg next to the door, and makes her way towards the brunette's studio. There's a banging coming from the second floor, which earns a slight frown from the assassin, but still she goes on to check on her friend first. She finds her sitting at the desk, currently drawing but with several piles of notes around; she's wearing her headphones so she doesn't notice the older woman standing by the doorway. Not wanting to disturb her, and curious about the banging, the assassin leaves without a word, making her way towards the second floor.

As she thought, the sound comes from the attic. She frowns, and as she produces the key Ale relinquished yesterday, her free hand goes to one of her guns - it is mere force of habit, as she knows she won't actually find someone inside, but habit and instinct have kept her alive all these years, and she is not about to ignore or suppress either.

Slowly, she opens the door, and the sound intensifies not only in volume, but in strength and speed.

"Be silent", she calls, and the sound dies immediately. Still wary, she pockets the key and brings out her other gun; slowly, she reaches the back of the attic, where she finds a note. She takes it and reads it, already knowing who sent it and accurately guessing at their intent. "Keep away," she says, looking at the note and hoping the message will reach its sender.

All the same, she goes back downstairs towards the brunette's studio. She finds her in almost the same position, except now she's writing instead of drawing. K smiles in spite of the anger she feels at the sender of the note in her hand; she looks at her friend for a moment longer before sitting across her on the desk and clearing her throat to catch her attention. Ale looks up, blinking, and smiles, taking her headphones off. "Hi, lovely! I'm sorry I didn't notice you before - there's this noise coming from the attic, so I just put my headphones on and started working. I--" She stops, frowns, and tilts her head to the side. "It's gone. Just… gone. It started sometime last night and hadn't stopped, not even for a minute..."

"I know," K says, sighing. Leaning forward, she tries to give the note to Ale, who simply stares at it, making no attempt to take it. "Pretty?"

"It's his, isn't it? The banging… he sent that." K only nods, as does Ale. "I don't want to read it. Did you read it?"

"I did. Want me to tell you what it says?"

"No, I want you to get rid of it. I know what it must say, and I want none of it. Just… yeah, just get rid of it and let's forget it even happened." K puts the paper away, and Ale sighs. "What do I do the next time time the banging starts?"

"If that happens, give me a call. I will make it stop."

Ale nods, and K slumps back on her chair. The brunette blinks, unused to her friend losing composure like that. "Something worrying you, lovely?"

"Not particularly. I am simply tired after all the traveling I have been doing."

A small smile tugs at Ale's lips. "And having to keep an eye on me doesn't help, huh?" K is about to protest, but the brunette stands up and sits on her lap, wrapping her arms around the other woman's neck and kissing her cheek, effectively silencing her and making her blush. A giggle, then, "I know you won't stop worrying, but you can stop being so edgy and losing sleep over me. I'll be fine - I know how to bounce back from this. It was a slight stumble down the road, and the damage done was minimal. So, smile for me, okay?"

Wrapping her arms around the younger woman's waist, K can't help but comply, making the other girl smile, too. "How could I not, if I get to see you smile?"

"And such a pretty smile it is." A laugh as both women look startled - K less so than Ale, but still - and turn towards the door at the exact same time. Anja is standing at the door, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed over her chest. "Don't get up on account of me, I just came to invite you over for lunch. Mana mentioned one or both of you might be a bit under the weather, so Sasha thought you'd like company - it occurs to me they were both worrying over nothing, but I really never know with you two."

Blushing, Ale feels her stomach rumble and squirms in K's hold. "Well… I'm not under the weather, but… I am hungry."

"I share the sentiment. So, I believe we will take you up on the offer, Anja. Thank you."

"Not a problem! You know you're always welcome at our place." She helps Ale stand up, and they all make their way towards Sasha and Anja's place.

On the way there, K disappears but for a moment to get rid of the note she'd shoved in her pants before leaving Ale's house. At the same time, up in the brunette's attic, a small 'thud' resounded as something rearranged in one of the boxes in the back. No one would notice anything missing, however, until ages later.

Dancing on the path and singing now you got away
You can reach the goals that you have set from now on, every day
There is no way you would go back now, oh no, those days are past
Life is waiting for the one who loves to live, and it is not a secret...

Victoria's Secret - Sonata Arctica

No More

2011-03-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

I deal with the fact that I've forgotten the worst

I feel that my social behavior may seem somewhat unrehearsed
Another page,
A sullen rage,
And I'll be back to my normal self

She's in the attic again, laying on her back and staring at the ceiling. Sunlight dances on it, making the butterflies painted on the smooth surface appear to flutter their wings. The window is open, so the small wind chime sings a light tune as some cherry blossom petals make their way into the otherwise silent room. There's a new, unmarked box next to her, and two bottles of pills close to a glass of water to her right.

Her eyes are closed, so she doesn't see who walks into the room; however, the sound of heavy boots and the rustling of an even heavier coat tell her K is standing a couple of feet away. She doesn't say anything, unsure of what would be appropriate after everything that's happened.

K sits on the floor, legs crossed and arms resting on her knees. She reaches for the bottles – pain killers and something for an upset stomach. She remembers Mana mentioned the brunette being in pain the night before – rather, earlier that morning –, and she also remembers she'd refused to take anything on account of her insomnia. The fact that the pills are here and the glass looks used, along with the new box, leads her to a conclusion. “You have taken a decision, then?”

“Aye, I have. No more pain, no more aches, no more sadness. No more pretty, adorned lies and fake hopes. No more lives in my hands other than the ones I agreed to help hold. No more downward spirals and, most of all, no more picking up the pieces left of me after every confrontation.”

A nod and a small noise from the back of her throat. “What is in the box, then?”

“A sigh, unwanted and unneeded apologies, unrequited love. A final, misshapen glimmer of hope. A bloody knife and the ghost of a hug I never got around to offering or asking for.” She slowly sits up, stretching and sighing deeply. “It's heavy, tho' – I barely managed to drag it here, that's why I was laying down. Could you help me move it to the back?”

K is up before the request is finished, and Ale has to move quickly to reach the end of the attic before her friend. She makes room for the new box and motions for the assassin to set it on top of the box marked AKH. Again she sets a blue blanket on top of the boxes, but this time she drags some other things in front of them, effectively hiding them from view. She sighs again and rubs her eyes, suddenly tired and utterly drained. She wants to go to her room and sleep the rest of the afternoon away, but there are many things to do before she can give in to that whim.

For starters, she fishes around in her jeans' pocket and brings out her keychain; after going through it for a moment, she takes a key out of the ring and hands it to K. “It's the key to this place,” she says, meaning the attic. “It's the only copy I have, and I want you to keep it. I don't want to be back here anytime soon. I trust you to keep me away from here until I'm ready.”

Nodding, K takes the key and pockets it. Then, all in one motion, she takes the brunette's hand in hers and pulls her close, embracing her tightly and nuzzling her neck affectionately, leaving a soft kiss on her jawline. The younger of the two returns the embrace just as tightly, unable to speak – there is no need, as her guardian has yet to speak her mind.

“Do not doubt yourself, ever again. Do not allow anyone, not even yourself, to put you down, to make you sad or hurt you. If you need help of any kind, reach out to those who love you and will never hurt or disappoint you. Live your life without regrets, without second-guessing yourself, without breaking promises left and right. Understand that you do not need the drama, and you do not need either of the people from those boxes in your life for it to be whole and fulfilling. Trust us like we trust you, love yourself like we love you. Promise me the next time I have to pick up your pieces and put you back together will be after you fought off an unwelcome enemy, not because you willingly threw yourself into the slaughterhouse.”

Keeping her tears at bay, the brunette nods as best she can from within her guardian's embrace. “I promise...”

“Good. Now, let us go have something to eat, and then I will help you with whatever you need so you can go to bed early, agreed?”

“Agreed.”

They leave the attic, not before K locks it up and hides away the key. The second it is out of sight, Ale smiles and takes her guardian's arm, leaning against her as they make their way to the kitchen.

I drive to the edge of my considerate plain
I apologize to the people I hurt on the way
I wipe the slate clean
I kick the daydream,
And remain independently happy

Independently Happy (Blue October)

Undisclosed Desires

2011-03-22T04:50:00.000-07:00

Undisclosed Desires

(Muse)

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Harsh & Loving

2011-03-22T04:34:00.000-07:00

Here we stand
Somewhere in between this moment and the end
Will we bend?
Or will we open up and take this whole thing in?

“Shouldn't you be sleeping?”

The voice startled her, pulling her out of her reverie quickly and effectively. She was sitting on the floor in her room, various things scattered around her – notebooks, books, pens and pencils, torn sheets of paper, even her pillow and her stuffed bunny. Her glasses rested on her head instead of in front of her eyes, and though she wore headphones, the mp3 player's battery had long since died. There was a notebook in her hand and a pen in the other, but the page remained blank. The dark circles under her eyes, which had diminished some a day or so ago, along with her disarrayed hair and clothes betrayed the fact that insomnia held sway over her once again.

Wincing at a pinched nerve on her neck, she tried to get up, only to realize her legs were asleep and the effort would only end in pain and further embarrassment, so she decided to stay put.

“I... yes, but I can't. I'm not sleepy and my head and stomach hurt.”

Mauve eyes held brown ones steadily for several seconds, until the dark-skinned woman sighed and went to sit next to the brunette. “Have you taken anything for either of those things?” A shake of the head was her answer, and she sighed again. “Why not?”

“Last time I did so, my insomnia got worse. I'd rather wait it out and go to bed at four in the morning than stay up until seven or so.” A pause, during which she did her best to clear up the space around them, and then a question. “Why aren't you sleeping?”

“K's gone, and I can't remain asleep for more than half an hour at the time. I went to get a glass of water and noticed the light in here was still on, so I thought I'd check up on you – she did ask me to keep an eye on you while she's away, you know.”

A small smile painted itself on her lips, but was quickly replaced by a wince as she stretched her legs in front of her – pins and needless immediately invaded both limbs, and all she could do was sit as still as possible and wait for the uncomfortable sensation to recede. “You two are the same in that regard.”

A 'hmm' was all the answer she got for a while. “It's about that guy again, isn't it? The one you refer to as 'the wolf'.” A groan from the brunette was all the confirmation she was going to get. “I don't know why you keep going back to that mess, really. K doesn't, either.”

“I know... and I don't know, either. I just know, each time it takes more of an effort to stay... even now I don't know what I'm doing. I've no idea why I'm waiting for him to decide what he wants to do.”

“She's mentioned something of the sort in the past. Want to know what I think?”

“I'd love to.”

“You're trying to fix him, to be a lifeline. You know you don't actually need him in your life, and, deep down, you don't even want him around. But you feel responsible, like you felt responsible for the shepherd before him. You don't care about the stories you could've woven together, which is what you've been clinging to for the past few days, according to K. You know he won't touch them, so you won't face problems with that when you choose to go back to them yourself. He's placed his life in your hands, and you feel like you have no right to end it. You've learned many things from Andee and your own dark sides, but you haven't learned how to end a life, which is good, because it's not in your nature to destroy, but to create.”

“I sense a 'but' somewhere near...”

“Yes, there's one. Several, actually, but only one of them is really important. And this is it: you need to stop being stupid and start being more selfish, even cruel. He keeps talking about villains and heroes, but you know your life is not a cheap romance novel. It's a life, your life, and you should have a say in how you live it and who you share it with. You have Andee, your blood family and the family you've hand-picked; you have us, even. If he's only going to hurt you, why drag him back into your life? I mean, if it was the other guy, it'd make more sense – not a whole lot, but enough for all of the drama to be worth it and understandable. But this guy doesn't even know what he wants from you... you can wait all you want, but the truth is that, until he figures that out, there's no point in being around.”

She's biting her lip, digging her nails into her palms, holding back as a chill runs along her entire body, bringing about painful goosebumps all over. She knows it all to be true – none of it can be a lie when it comes from someone she brought to life, someone who knows the comings and goings of her mind almost as well as she does. Still...

“You are so harsh, my love. Have a care – our pretty one is in no shape to defend herself, and you have a tendency to be much too frank.”

Standing at the door is K, back from wherever she'd run off to in her own quest for tranquility through revenge. A fond yet sad smile is on her lips – the brunette knows she's the cause of her friend and protector's sadness, and that's when the tears come. She sobs and scrambles to her feet, flinging herself towards the older woman's open arms, pressing herself into her warm embrace, sobs wracking her frame as the assassin does her best to comfort her.

“I'm so sorry... I'm sorry, K... I didn't mean to make you sad... to disappoint you...”

“I am only sad because you are sad... and I am only disappointed that you think so little of yourself after everything that has happened... but I still love you, pretty.”

Arms slenderer than K's wrap around her waist, and a warm body folds itself over her back. “We all do, and always will... unconditionally, unendingly. No matter what you do.”

“I don't know what...”

“Shh ... you do not have to decide anything now. It is too late, you are too tired, and you need to sleep. You will come with us, and rest. Later today, if you so wish, you can decide – but not now.”

A sob and a nod are all the answer she can muster as she allows herself to be guided to another room where, snuggled between two warm and soft bodies and several blankets, sleep finds her quickly.

I don't wanna love you now
If you'll just leave some day
I don't wanna turn around
If you'll just walk away

Mockingbird - Rob Thomas

Waiting

2011-03-19T03:35:00.000-07:00

Patience is a virtue. That's what they say, whoever said incorporeal “they” happens to be. At the risk of incurring in the disagreement and possible anger of those who love me, I will venture to say patience is one of the few virtues I can claim to possess, the fact that it appears to be selective notwithstanding.

These past few days, however, said trait has eluded me.

I suppose insomnia is partly to blame – it's been nearly a week since I slept for more than four or five straight hours. I thought it had something to do with unfulfilled promises and encroaching deadlines, but it's clearly not it. It could also be argued that stress and anxiety, along with natural hormonal shifts may be to blame... but I'm beginning to suspect that's not it, either. Which leaves me with more questions than answers, and that's not something I usually appreciate.

Currently I'm waiting for a few important things. One of them, talking to Andee. It's been almost a week since I last did so, and I'm waiting to hear back from her regarding her present. A brief parenthesis here to note that her patience far outweighs mine, since she'd been waiting for almost a year and a half for me to finish her present... it embarrasses me, but it also flatters me that she'd wait for something made by me. Back to the main point, it eats at me not knowing if she's read it and if she liked it. I know she's currently preoccupied with school, but I can't help but be selfish a little. After all, it's something she's taught me how to do over the course of almost nine years – I still fail miserably at it most of the time, but it can't be said I don't try.

Another thing I'm waiting on is a pending conversation this Monday. I've been given the opportunity to do something I'd hoped to have a chance to do for many months, but now that I'll be able to, I find that I'm slightly terrified and mortified. Only slightly, since I'm through hoping for grand gestures and life-altering decisions. Things are as they are and whatever comes from that conversation will be met, hopefully, with neutrality. More than anything, I guess it's a chance to test myself, if anything.

I feel this should be going elsewhere, but, truthfully, I'm only writing to fill voids – the one in my inbox, on my contact list, on my stomach, between my hands. I guess years of longing are beginning to take their toll.

But I'm patient, and I know better than to despair.

I suppose I'll be off now. I will try to get some sleep - the weekend will be long, and waiting requires strength of mind and body.

In pieces

2011-03-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

In Pieces

(Linkin Park)

Telling me to go
But hands beg me to stay

Your lips say that you love
Your eyes say that you hate

There's truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
What you build you lay to waste

This truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take

So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie

You promise me the sky
Then toss me like a stone

You wrap me in your arms
And chill me to the bone

There's truth in your lies
Doubt in your faith
All I've got's what you didn't take

So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie

So I, I won't be the one
Be the one to leave this
In pieces

And you
You will be alone
Alone with all your secrets
And regrets

Don't lie

The Dead Skin

2011-03-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

The Dead Skin

(Sonata Arctica)

It's me I hate, not you at all
I am my own medicine,
Turned into a poison

I think I gave you a lot,
And not enough... I know
Tortured myself, same as you,
Without losing my sanity
Where's my applause?

I see no reason to live in Hell
How can life make me feel so incomplete?

I had a weakness and my walls came down
My tears won't reach the ground
Burn my new wound

I know I cannot feel regret for anything
If I was numb, I'd end this once and for all
I feel the burn, still...

I cannot face this day, my guards are down
I cannot love myself... weak, sad clown

I see myself, my fading color
I see no hope there... Where I always used to...

I fear your words, the things they mirror
Maybe that is all I am, just a reflection... please help me...

I see no reason to live in Hell
When you smile, you make me feel incomplete

But it's all ending, the clock's rewinding
We don't mean anything to me. You think?
I killed this silence for us to make things right
The words are loaded

Once connected,
One torso, one head
One solid reason, the pain...
If love's the neck, kept us together, and apart...
Now it's broken...

There is no cast, no real salvation
When it is broken, it will stay that way
Believe me when I say this
I would not if I did not care

Tears don't mean anything
If we don't know when we're sorry
No one will win today we can't play this game... this way

We cannot soar and still stay on the ground
Don't wanna see me, hear me, hate me....

"Hate, hate, hate"

Jealousy's a phantom,
Something that was never, ever meant to find me
But now its pale green eyes have destroyed everything

You know how it must hurt, and I know,
There is nothing you've done to deserve this

Apology's a policy,
Sometimes it really has to be, it's kept me afloat thus far...

This sure nuf's one nice
loose noose, perfect times...
Are we happy in this hell?
Is there someone who can measure...
Whose pain is bigger?

It all has ended, the clock's rewinded
We don't mean anything to me. You think?
I killed this silence for you to end the night
The words are loaded

Unprotected, one torso, no head
One valid reason, the life's suspended
If love's the neck that kept us together, and apart...
Now it's broken...

There's no cast, no real solution
When it is broken, it will stay that way
Believe me when I say this
I would not if I did not care

Who needs who, when and what the hell for?
Who wants to suffer and be hardcore?
And who's strong enough to peel off the dead skin...

I cannot face this day, my guards are down

Memory.

2011-02-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

I can't remember when it was good

moments of happiness elude

maybe I just misunderstood

Memory is a funny, fickle thing. I've always marvelled and wondered (and sometimes cursed, as well) at how I forget important and rather easy things, like my anniversary year or whether or not I took my vitamins after lunch, while I can remember the default gateway for at least five different devices, or a ten-digit phone number I've only dialled twice. Or how a small piece of information will elude me for days or weeks when I need it, but will come back all by itself, out of the blue, often in the middle of a conversation or, worse still, in the middle of the night.

A while back I saw an ad on TV about a skin condition called rosacea. As far as I could discern from the ad, it's something that looks, and is often confused with, acne, but actually isn't. All the people in the ad show redness in their cheeks and nose, with some pimples along the area. People who know me have noticed my cheeks are always reddened, like I've been exposed to the sun for too long or applied some kind of make up (and many of them have been unable to resist the urge to provide me with some folk remedy to alleviate the situation...). When I was a teenager and started having acne problems, I thought that was all there was to it. But then, two or three years ago my acne settled on its own – breakouts diminished, even though I still get them now and again. The redness, however, didn't go away. The family's doctor noticed it when I stopped by on a totally unrelated matter; he told me it could be something hormonal or so, both because of my age and my weight, so he sent me over to an endocrinologist/nutritionist. After many rather expensive tests, the diagnosis for my weight, excess facial hair and some other minor things was insulin resistance, which was to be treated with pills, diet and vitamins. I did lose some weight, and the facial hair started thinning out, but the redness remained – and still remains. (I've since given up on the pills and diet, by the way.)

There's a point to all this, really. And it is tied to memory, too.

That ad wasn't the first time I'd heard about rosacea. Long ago, I'm not sure how long, really, Aron mentioned that to me. We were on MSN and had the webcams going, and he commented on my cheeks – I hadn't been to the endocrinologist yet, I think. Whatever the case, I told him about the hassle acne had been for years, mainly due to my mother pushing treatment after treatment on me until I finally decided to give it a rest. After flipping out a little (he always seemed to do that when my parents came up in conversation, for some reason), he mentioned I might have rosacea. We read up on it a little, but I didn't follow up on any of it because I was tired of pills and creams and generally molesting my face again.

The point is... well, I'll need to digress a bit to get to it, I notice. Last year, before I decided to end contact with Aron, I would complain about him to Andee. Being who she is, at first she tried to get me to make a balance of the good and the bad before I jumped to any conclusions and took decisions I could later on come to regret. I suppose that being hurt and angry prevented me from seeing or remembering the good stuff, because I could almost never come up with anything. But seeing that ad and going over the memory of that day he mentioned rosacea, I realized a good thing about him – he cared about me, even if it was mostly about the physical. Even if I felt like he was careless about other things, like taking time to show up online or write an email, the truth is that when he was around, he always found a way to say something nice (or naughty, depending) about my physical self, so to speak. If we had the cameras on, he'd try to make me smile or laugh to look at my braces, because he liked them; he'd make fun of my clothes if they covered me too much, saying he'd have to buy me clothes that showed off more of my skin, and he'd scold me if I was hard on myself over my looks (he had no issues pointing out other kind of flaws, it seemed).

We had some heavy arguments because of that last point; he seemed to think my self-esteem was low or lacking, which irritated me because, at that point, I'd spent at least five years working on it with Andee, and a few months discussing it with Joe, and I didn't appreciate having to go through the same arguments again with Aron. In hindsight, I'm pretty sure I overreacted and, more likely than not, picked a fight with him in an effort, I suppose, to push him away or make him back off a little. I'm not sure, really, and I don't think it matters at this point. What matters is, though, I remembered a good thing about that four-years-long (on and off) period, which confirms what I told Mary a couple of weeks ago – I believe I've come to a point where, if we lived in the same town and I ran into him in the street, I could smile and wave to Aron and go on my merry way without skipping a beat. I'm not sure how he feels now, and I may or may not ask him, but the point is, I feel better every day, have less angry fits or sad slumps as each week passes by, and have bigger and brighter hopes for the future than I did a little over a year ago.

True, I slipped a couple of weeks ago, dialling his number, leaving a stupid one-word voicemail and feeling angry and annoyed at a one-second long call... and then hanging up on him when the call actually came through, because I panicked and had no idea what to say. I deleted his number from my computer and my cellphone and anywhere else I could find it, but I still remember it. I think, however, I won't be dialling again. Not only is it annoying for him and silly of me, it also puts a dent on my limited budget (and probably on his, I'm not sure). Either way, I shan't call again, and will try to go on with my life and plans without picking at old wounds that are trying to mend.

But I am glad I recovered that one good memory, because I don't want to be angry or sad or bitter about this relationship forever. I want to be able to draw from that experience and grow and mature and just overall try to be a better person. I'm sure I'll remember more things as time continues to go by – whether they're good or bad, I'll do my best to embrace them and pack 'em up in the attic, where they won't be able to hurt me nor I them.

After all, like Dot says, balance is important.

all of the love we've left behind

watching the flashbacks intertwine

memories I will never find

Falling away with you – Muse

A Dance 'Round the Memory Tree

2011-01-30T01:30:00.000-08:00

A Dance 'Round the Memory Tree

(Oren Lavie)

Words we have said
Grew in my head
Colored my thoughts
Sang me to bed

Lost memories
Grew into trees
Covered the doors
Swallowed the keys

Winters have come and gone
You know
Winters have come and gone
You know
But I'll meet you young and free
For a dance 'round the memory tree

Said I forgot
But I did not
Dreams we have had
Play in my head

Did we believe
The cry of the leaves?
Did we regret?
Would we forget?

Winters have come and gone
You know
Winters have come and gone
You know
But I'll meet you young and free
For a dance 'round the memory tree

Relapse.

2011-01-27T00:12:00.000-08:00

It's happening again. I'm dwelling on the past, stalking shadows. I feel like crying because I want to reach out to someone I've sworn never to go back to again. I could – it would be as easy as sending an email... but then there would be guilt, anxiety and physical ache my body doesn't want to deal with any more.

So I'm here, in the attic again, feeling chills up my spine and arms, doing my best to hide this whirlwind of misplaced emotions behind a simple “I'm tired, leave me alone” face and attitude. I know it doesn't work too well, since one of my siblings said I look like I want to smash the computer or just fall asleep, but I still try. My chest is so tight right now I feel like I'm going to burst, but there's no one to either hold me and let me crumble or slap me back into reality, so I'll swallow all the angst and try to find another outlet for it.

I want to write and colour and draw and imagine things other than conversations that never happened, but it's difficult...

I wish I'd never met them. I wish I'd never let them go.

I want to hop on a plane, cross the continent and the ocean and fall into her arms, the arms of the only person capable of taking everything without making me feel so empty...

Alright, time to stop. I'm not making sense and my ten minutes of self-allowed self-pity are up.

Time to step out of the attic.

Mune ni kizamareta kizuato wo mitsume nagara
"Mou modorenai..." to yoru ga sasayaku
Longing - Gackt

Blue Skies

2010-12-27T00:48:00.000-08:00

Blue Skies

(Blue October)

Blue skies
Calling on blue skies
Don't take them away, boys
Don't take them away
Cause I'll never stop

I've been to both knees
Raise my hands up to the skies, forgive me
Is something out there far beyond the clouds?
I'm asking help me
Help me to see the world
Through baby eyes and hold me closely
I need a fresh start on the roller coaster
Made for coasting

It's time to wake up, time to make up
Time to shake these memories
It's time to leave the past in the past
And lace up a new set of shoestrings
I want the world to know I've got your back
Through up and down, see
So we can sit together, side by side
Through amazing

Blue skies
Calling on blue skies
Don't take them away, boys
Don't take them away
Cause I'll never stop

So I've broken every bone
And fought through what felt never-ending
I thought my head was made of sadness
But my heart is mending
I scream at sunsets
Give applause to what I can't control
Then somehow laugh at how
The moon divides an ocean solo

I wanna be that ocean
I wanna shine like that
I want to smile so big my daughter jumps into my lap
I wanna tell her daddy's fine
And always plans to be
Then take her in my arms
This is what we'll always see

Blue skies
Calling on blue skies
Don't take them away, boys
Don't take them away
'Cause I'll never stop loving my

Blue skies
Calling on blue skies
Don't take them away, boys
Don't take them away

And when I'm gone
I won't go screaming in the end
I'll give you everything my life amounts to
So raise your life up with me
And baby, let's go dancing
Come on!

Blue skies
Calling on blue skies
Don't take them away, boys
Never take them away

Don't take them away

Letters to the Wind

2010-10-31T04:46:00.000-07:00

According to nature, society and the natural flow of things, parents are supposed to teach their children, but sometimes children will teach their parents. In a way, my mother has done both things.

For reasons that are better off left alone, during the past several months, my grandfather has been spending a lot of time at our house. During this time, I have learned a lot about my family – mostly on my mother's side, but there have been a few insights to my father's family, as well. I have seen sides of my grandfather I never imagined existed; the same goes for my mother, whose relationship with her parents has never been ideal or even enjoyable.

A couple of days ago, my grandfather started talking about one of my aunts... again. He always gets very upset when conversation leads to her, and it is obvious he still has a large pile of unresolved issues with her. Or maybe it's just one huge issue, but the end result is the same. I'd heard him talk about the incident(s) that lead to the breakup between him and my aunt, and I'd watch mom try to either calm him down or steer the conversation elsewhere... but I don't remember her being so direct about, well, his taking the wrong approach towards the whole situation.

She told him it was time to let go, to settle all the anger and resentment he had towards my aunt. He then said it was not possible without having to see her again, which he is not willing to do. I thought he was right, until mom countered by saying it wasn't necessary, that he didn't need to talk to my aunt or to even be near her in order to find it in his heart or soul or spirit or however one wants to call it to just forget about what she did and didn't do, about what she said or didn't say and, if necessary, to just forget about her altogether.

My grandfather is stubborn, too set in his ways to open up to such a thing, but...

… I realized, I'm just like him. I cling to past quarrels and disappointments, and I wallow, even revel, in them whenever I need an excuse for my gloomy disposition. Time and again I've said it's over, that I won't think about this and that anymore, that I will move on and be happy or better off or whatever. But I never mean it, not really – if I did, I wouldn't be writing this, my mother's words wouldn't have had such a direct impact, and I wouldn't feel like such an ass right now.

It is hard for me to let go, harder than I would like to admit to myself, let alone to the rest of the world. In that I have failed myself, although I'm sure a few others would be willing to share the blame with me, or try to take it away from me altogether. But the truth is I have let myself down, which is quite possibly the worse thing I could ever do, willingly or not. I have deluded myself, but not in the way others have pointed out – I have pretended to be strong while never really trying to show or make use of said strength; I have allowed myself to remain entangled to people I claim not to want near anymore, but whom I cannot entirely let go. By doing so, I am very likely weighing them down, or at least a part of them. Because I also may have given myself more importance in their lives than what I really have or had, and that is also harmful.

This is not a plea for renewed friendship. It's not even a request for forgiveness of others, and maybe not even of myself. There's a song that says “I won't forgive you that, because if I forgive it, surely I will forget it”, and I intend to remember – not to fall down into despair and would-be depression, but to avoid that, and to avoid doing the same again, to myself and others.

What is this, then? It is my end of the rope, chain or however you wish to call that which bonded us. I am letting it go, leaving it here, in plain sight, should circumstances require me to take it up once again and tug on it. But, for now, I am putting it down – again, in plain sight, not back in the attic where it could accumulate dust and rot. Whatever you choose to do with your end is your decision, rightfully so. I suppose I did not leave many choices up to you while we were both tugging on it – I was older back then, you see. But now I've stepped down and back, and have a new perspective. If you decide to hold on to your end, and to tug now and then, it is likely I will not notice, at least not right away, but feel free to. If you set your end down as well, or if you have already done it, that is fine, as well.

I have decided to stop harming myself by playing stalker and imagining how things could have gone if I hadn't chased you away through someone else and we'd had that one road trip with Sting and Metallica on the stereo. Or if I hadn't been so impatient and we'd had that one date with drinks, dinner and a movie. It didn't happen, and it's not likely it ever will. It was lovely thinking about it, but lovely is sometimes deadly, too, so I rather not play with fire anymore.

As usual, I dare not say this in person. As usual, I rather leave it as an open letter for the world to see and you to find and read should you want to. I harbour no hopes of a reply. I just need to let this out of my mind so I can try to sleep and be less of an emotional zombie, you see?

sayonara... aishita taisetsu na hito

kimi e no omoi dake wa kitto nokoru

sayonara... naiteta kinou made no boku

shizuka na yoru da ne?

Sayonara - Gackt

A butterfly's dream

2010-09-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

It's always at night that I remember things that I thought cut deep into me. At night I find myself weak, tired, helpless… I can't keep myself from easing into that comfortably warm and numbing pool of self-pity and self-hate. I feel physically sick and mentally ill. I become a wreck and take refuge in harmless yet unhealthy habits.

But it's just a glammer, an illusion. It's all fake.

I do not open up to others as easily as they do with me. I've asked myself and others many times why is it that people around me feel a need to walk up to me and lay their entire lives on the table - friends and strangers alike. I feel uncomfortable sometimes, because I don't know how to be that open, and it seems like I'm being rude by not sharing a bit of my life and soul with the other person. As of yet, few have complained… but it was enough to open a chasm between me and them.

I guess, tho', that most people kind of infer a thing or two about me and my "past". It makes it sound like I'm older than I actually am, to say that I have a past that torments me still after "such a long time". But it's bullshit. I don't have an exceptionally dark and hurtful past - shit happened to me and those around me, I got hurt by people I trusted, and I've cried many tears, deserved and not, over those and other facts. But I'm not broken. I'm not sick or tainted, I don't poison others, I don't make them "go bad". I don't bring out the best or worst in anyone.

I suppose I have always known that, but it hadn't been brought to my attention as clearly and concisely as Dot-chan made me see it a couple of months ago, at my birthday, no less. I was, as usual, angsting over Aron - yes, let's say the name so it doesn't become a cancer like Voldemort or Hitler, shall we?

If you don't know who I'm talking about, or you don't understand the dynamics of my social contracts with Dot and Aron, Joe and anyone else that has passed through the red carpet of my love life, that's fine. I don't expect you to, and I don't mean to explain certain things unless it's strictly necessary, but if you want to ask, fire away.

Anyway. Angsting I was about Aron's decision to "let me go" a few weeks prior. I guess that, if you want to, you could go to my old blog and wade through the emo-lake it became towards the end to figure out some of what happened and how I felt about it, but it's your decision. Suffice to say, I had tried to be strong, but I crumbled again - like it always happens. "This is the last time", I always say. But it never is, and I don't know that it'll ever come an actual "last time".

This particular conversation started, as many conversations with Dot do, with a picture I was showing. It was related to Aron in a very vague way, and, thinking nothing of it, I mentioned him and his reaction to it and my request in relationship to it - disgust, I suppose it could be called. I don't know if I was already down or if the picture itself popped my balloon, but I threw a self-deprecating comment that earned me a well-deserved scolding (tho' I highly doubt Dot would call it that).

The gist: I am not sick. I am not broken. Whatever it is I had with Aron was over and had been over ages ago. No point in letting him get the best of me again, still, any longer. If I know that and still go on being all depressed… it's because I want to.

And I guess that, deep down, I did want that. I wanted to be depressed, to mope around and pity myself and not allow anyone near ever again. I tried to bury myself in work and school and eventually landed myself sick - actually sick, stomach and all. Lashed out against my car, my family, stayed away from friends who knew about Aron so I wouldn't have to deal with that. All this while I pretended - and tried - to be okay.

But I wasn't, not because he had actually scarred me or broken me or anything of the sort - simply because I allowed myself to feel that way because I thought I was following the right path towards "recovery" or whatever.

Well, I'm done. I'm sick and tired of feeling emotionally sick and tired. I'm tired of relating things to Aron and what he did and said to me. Particularly that stupidity about me being a frail butterfly. To think that I stopped using my butterfly-patterned bag for days because I couldn't stand the memory of him using the "endearment" to me like it was an insult or flaw… but if a butterfly can change the course of history, and dreaming of one drove a man to question whether he was a man who had a dream where he was a butterfly or a butterfly who dreamt of being a man…

He used me, manipulated me. So what? He's not the first, and unless I become as paranoid and delusional as he is, he won't be the last one. I'm not old enough to be so jaded as I thought I was, but I am old enough to realize there are several lessons to be learned from this tumble down the road.

I'm sorry if I hurt anyone during my stupid, needlessly long path to "self-discovery" or whatever you want to call it. I promise to better myself and do my best to keep on living my life to its fullest. The attic metaphor still applies: leave everything back there so you don't forget and won't fall into the same patterns again, but far back enough that they won't interfere with making new memories and learning new things.

I won't say this is the last time, because it may not be. I won't say I'm on my way to getting better, because I already am better. I just need to look it.

I painted your room at
Midnight, so I'd know
Yesterday was over
I put all your books
On the top shelf,
Even the one with
The four leaf clover
Man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures
Off the wall and wrapped
Them in a news paper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems
Like a century, and now I can
Barely breathe

The Crow and the Butterfly - Shinedown

Invictus

2010-06-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Amazing Nights & Epic Fails

2010-05-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

She lay underneath the floating cherry tree, watching the branches sway and the petals drift slowly down like snow. The day had a pink hue all around, as most days did during the springtime. The breeze was cool and soft, the grass underneath her had the barest hint of dew on it still, and a family of birds chirped merrily somewhere atop the tree. She sighed, content, and closed her eyes for a moment.

A few minutes later, a shadow posed itself above her; she smiled and waited for her friend to settle down next to her. She could feel her long, white hair tickling her shoulders lightly, and when she turned her head, she met the older woman's crimson eyes and held her gaze silently. "Hello," she said at large.

"Hello," she mimicked. "How was the concert?"

A bigger smiled spread across her lips at the memory of that night. "Amazing. I met the band and all; I'll show you the pictures later."

Her friend smiled back, nodding almost imperceptibly. "I am glad you enjoyed yourself; after all that has happened lately, you deserve a break."

She limited herself to nodding and looked back to the tree, the smiling slowly fading from her lips. "He reached out."

Crimson eyes darkened. She didn't have to ask who the youngest of the two meant - there was only one he that could steal the mirth from her so quickly. "What does he want?"

As best she could, she shrugged. "No idea. A question. Stupidly, I answered. He didn't reply afterwards. Change is impossible for some, it seems." A gloved hand wrapped around hers and squeezed, both in reassurance and warning. She turned to look at her friend's face, her voice small as she dared speak. "Yes…?"

"Stay away. You know he will try to lure you back in, and you know you do not need that in your life. Not now and not ever."

A short nod, and then another smile upon her lips. "Want to watch those pictures now? They're really, really awesome."

"Of course." Smiling, she stood up and helped the brunette up, as well.

They walked back to the youngest's house chatting lightly, cherry blossom petals adorning their hair and clothes.

Upon reaching the door, they found notes tacked to it. The eldest took them, frowning, and handed them to the youngest without a word. She read through them quickly, jaw set and free hand tightly fisted to her side. She took the pen she always carried with her, scribbled furiously on the last note, folded it and tossed it to the wind; an out of place gust took it to its destination.

Taking a few deep breaths to compose herself, she finally looked to her friend and smiled. "So. Pictures, huh?"

The oldest looked at her doubtfully for a moment, but ended up smiling back and shrugging dismissively. "Certainly."

I'm waiting, hating, needing being

Me...

I need you... less and less and less...
Every day leads us farther away...
From that moment
Paid in Full - Sonata Arctica

Finally Home

2010-04-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

The main room is nearly empty, save for a small table, two chairs and a small bookshelf that requires assembly. It is not, however, a dirty room, or an old one; quite on the contrary, it is in very good shape, almost as though it was new. The curtains that cover the only window have a floral pattern, and still a light, sweet scent can be perceived off of them.

The door is unlocked, like most others in town. From outside, two voices can be heard, chatting idly.

"Are you ready?"

Hesitation for a second, then firm determination. "Hai."

The doorknob turns, and pale pink light floods the room; it shines brightly for a moment, making the two young women at the door squint until their eyes grow accustomed to the light. A light breeze blows outside, ushering in cherry and plum blossom petals, mixing their scent with the curtains', creating a unique fragrance that makes both girls smile.

Each is carrying a box (one labelled JS, the other AKH), but none make a move to set them down. The eldest of the two looks at her companion, waiting patiently for her to make the first move. The youngest knows this, and makes her way to the back of the house, climbs the stairs and reaches the last room on the second floor. It is an attic but, like the first room, it is clean and its contents are neatly arranged. Books, furniture and many, many boxes fill the walls and crowd the floor, except for a small corner at the very back. Carefully, the girls settle their cargo there, and the youngest lays a blue blanket over them, covering them completely. She chews on her bottom lip, catches herself, and stops. With a soft sigh, she turns around and leaves the room, never looking behind, not even after her friend locks the door.

Once back on the main room, they sit in silence for a moment, after which the youngest looks around, a thoughtful expression on her face. "It will take a while, but… it will do. I am finally free."

"You were always free," her friend replies. "The difference is, you are finally home. All you need is time to settle in and resume your life."

The brunette smiles - a truly happy smile, the first in a long time. "Home…"

And I thank you
For bringing me here
For showing me home
For singing these tears
Finally I've found
That I belong here
Home - depeche mode